Back in 1989 the Indians were in a dismal place. They had lost over 100 games in each of the previous 2 seasons, and were in the middle of what appeared to be another lost season. They were trailing the White Sox for the division lead by what seemed to be an insurmountable margin. Their owner, the much hated Rachel Phelps, had just inherited the team from her recently deceased father and was planning on relocating to Miami. Rachel Phelps in many respects was Jeffrey Loria with a nicer smile. The team was destined for failure, but somehow pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and won the pennant. Sadly the records from the day do not tell us if they went on to win the World Series. I believe in 1994 a hidden tape was revealed that released this information, but I am a man of principal and refuse to watch such rubbish. Through a minor miracle I have stumbled upon some old scouting reports of the players that made this season possible. Perhaps they can shed a light on what gave these ragamuffins the will to succeed against such long odds.

The first player whose scouting report I discovered was Ricky Vaughn. He was known at the time as the Wild Thing, a not so clever play on a song that had been popular 20 plus years prior to his debut. Vaughn was an electric pitcher with a bit of problem staying within the zone. However he had serious velocity. PITCHf/x data at the time showed that he was able to crank it up to 117 MPH. PITCHf/x was a little buggy in 1989. Sadly, as most of you probably know, Vaughn had to retire young due to chronic chlamydia caused by an affair with an older woman. Watch yourself Tabata. His legacy will always live on though.

Player: Ricky Vaughn     Scout: F.F. Woodycocks

Ricky has a difficult time staying in the zone. He tends to lose his delivery frequently, but when he is on he is every bit as good as Jack Morris. All Hail Jack Morris. He can hit triple digits with his 4seamer, becoming the only pitcher in history to top 86. Very impressive movement. Wears glasses, makes him look like a nerd. Added skull and crossbones to glasses, makes him look like a nerd. Can be very volatile emotionally. Tends to get into fights. Stole a car once. CLOSER MENTALITY!!!

Velocity: 80         Command:40     Makeup:Sometimes wears an earring, if you ask me it makes him look like a nancy  

Baseball scouts are not the most forward thinking group of people.

The next player whose scouting report I found was Willie Mays Hayes. Willie was a fan favorite, known for his stellar speed, and amazing defense. He was good and he knew it, he was known to keep a batting glove stapled to his wall for every base he stole. Although he looked physically much different as he aged he always maintained that exciting style of play.

Player: Willie Hayes     Scout:Dickie Crickets

Willie has blistering speed, he was recently clocked from home to first at 4.9 seconds, and apparently the average player in this day and age is around 6 or so. I don’t know. Anyways Willie is a below average hitter but makes up for it with his innate ability to make every fielder not be able to throw the ball to first. It truly is incredible. He is a wizard in the field, often making amazing basket catches much to the chagrin of his stereotypical baseball Manager Lou Brown. Must work on base running technique, tends to stop short on slide attempts. Has been seen flipping off opposing players. The Indians have a lot more personality than most MLB teams.

Running:80    Fielding:80   Power:40 Top MLB Comp: Rickey Henderson. I mean exactly like Rickey Henderson. He basically is a cloned version of Rickey Henderson

The final player’s scouting report I stumbled across was Pedro Cerrano. Pedro was a very intense player, who treated his bat like a deity, often performing religious rituals prior to games. He even once went so far as to sacrifice a live chicken. Wade Boggs and Pedro Cerrano had a lot in common.

Player:Pedro Cerrano     Scout:Van Hammersly

Pedro has prodigious strength, capable of hitting a baseball 500 feet. Has a hole in his swing. He has an almost Jesusesque inability to hit a curveball. Recently defected from Cuba, and immediately began career in the Majors. Sure, why not? Very impressive for a player with 0 minor league experience. Good arm. Smokes in the locker room. We are not sure about the long term effects of tobacco. Relies on Joboo for power, which may be a form of PED. Might keep him from Hall Of Fame someday.

Power:70      Arm:65      Speed:55   Top MLB Comps: Jose Canseco, or Tony Oliva, or Tony Perez, or Zoilo Versalles, or Bert Campaneris, or Luis Tiant.

Man, baseball scouts are the worst.